I cant even explain it all...
its just like heart break and too much weight.
and it feels really exhausting already, and it makes me even more reluctant to do holiday shit.
and it feels like I can't say anything because then I'm just moping and not trying to work through it... but it was hard enough to get out of bed and now I don't even want to think.
UHHHHHHH
I feel like I am the worst son ever.
life pulls too many directions at once sometimes.
*****************
I want people to understand how miserable I am right now... but I can't say anything or explain it right.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tonight is not one of those nights where overcome by a flood of thoughts emotions or a strong feeling of values I pour onto the page.
No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).
I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.
A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.
I should read and drink less coffee and coke.
I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.
I should play some computer games while I have the time.
I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.
We shall see
We shall see
No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).
I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.
A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.
I should read and drink less coffee and coke.
I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.
I should play some computer games while I have the time.
I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.
We shall see
We shall see
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Corner (John Frusciante)
"I mean it
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion
everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me
and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top
great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"
John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.
I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"
It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion
everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me
and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top
great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"
John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.
I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"
It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.
Right....
This may go down as the worst blogging year in a few.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.
I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel
Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara
Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising
Jesus
I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.
I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.
I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?
A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.
The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.
Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.
I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel
Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara
Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising
Jesus
I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.
I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.
I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?
A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.
The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.
Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I cant get to sleep.
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.
Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.
Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.
Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.
Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm listening to the Ex-Lovers proclaim "the beauty of the world cannot be contained",
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
its not like... that
Sorry champs, I am not really updating this shit much anymore.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...
but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.
2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...
but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.
2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.
