Quick notes.

1) Does the dryer even work? My clothes are damp like in Europe, I wonder if my friend has a setting on there to make them not get too dry or something…

2) I got really paranoid in the last 15 minutes.. the basement is kind of creep, all basements are… but it’s just like, someone could be down there and I would never know. The front door has multiple locks, but does the back? This room seems to have a fake lock. I’ve felt completely safe in New York until these last few minutes and now I keep thinking about someone being in here… creepy.

3) by day one I had already started feeling the loneliness… but it’s getting stronger every day. I’m checking in with friends, my brothers, my mom calls me daily… but it’s the thing of wanting a partner. It’s seeing so many couples and families. It’s seeing so many beautiful people and being like, I want one. Yes there is some possessiveness, it’s not entirely all love based, I’m also lusting - even with my totally exhausted by the end of the day, and mid day sweating sticky don’t touch me vibe. But definitely a feeling of, where is my love? How come everyone else gets one and I don’t kind of thing. The past time I traveled alone was the Baltic’s I think, and I remember everyday being like, why are you doing this alone?  

There is something kind of existential about it. Not just not connected, but like alone alone while completely surrounded by people. 50 thousand people in the park picnicking, holding hands at the museum, riding in the horse carriages. Where is my other half?

Seeing so much can feel amazing and beautiful and eye opening, but can also make you question what you’re doing here on earth if you don’t have anyone to share it. 

Day 4

 I know I skipped a day. 

Which order should I go in?

Yesterday -realizing I’d walked too much the day before, I decided to take it easier. I got up and took the subway to the south end of manhattan and then got on a boat for liberty island, and then another to Ellis island, and then back to the battery. 

The Statue of Liberty is cool and all, but mostly just for pictures. The audio guide was kind of an annoying. The view of manhattan and Brooklyn and the whole surrounding area was great, even from the ground level(I did not pay to go up). Ellis island was more moving. Thinking of the experience of all the millions who have come here seeking a better life, escaping war/famine/crises of all kinds and looking for opportunity… I guess I had never realized that the only people who went to Ellis island were the ones in steerage class. The 1st and 2nd class passengers had a doctor and someone come on board and then they were let off to New York.  The island had hospitals and a court room, all the various ways they tried to keep people away or help them move forward. I liked the theme… of immigrants built this country, I dislike that we are still discriminating. 

The whole trip took about 3-4 hours with wait times and what not. The boat rides only took 10-20 minutes but waiting in line, getting on and off.. the whole time I barely heard any English. Italian, Spanish, a bunch of east Europe and Asian languages… very little English. 

After getting back to the main land, I walked up from the battery on broadway where everyone was posing with the bull (not on Wall Street which is interesting). I walked around trinity church and saw the grave stones or markers of a few famous folks from Hamilton.

I then zigzagged through the lower manhattan buildings, the place where Washington was sworn in, the New York stock exchange, the banks… and all the fancy buildings that At ground level have normal stores and a lot of tourist shit, but above look crazy rich. 

I then made my way over to the 9/11 memorial. 

At first I was confused because they have a bunch of buildings called wtc or whatever, but some of them are in honor of… like there is a new looking mall. And then there is a whole new wtc, and then there are the spots where the old one is, with the reflecting waterfall pools, and the building where you still see some of the old structure underground. 

From the moment I got there I was crying. I don’t know it’s just the thought of so many people dying all at once is so horrifying still. Plus watching it for weeks, up all night, knowing that everything might change. I have been feeling that trauma for a long time, and I cried my eyes out… I hope that some of it can just go now. But in some ways it was all brought back.

At the waterfall pools they have all the names. Inside, when I was buying a ticket I started crying and the girl gave me tissues. She was like, I can tell you’re gonna need these. (They have more at specific spots throughout). 

Robert deniro does the audio for one part of the guide. A journalist does it for the other. Scattered throughout the audio they have people sharing their stories -mostly of afterwards. The museum exhibits share the story of that day really well (all 4 planes etc). It’s really really hard At certain sections. 

From the beginning they do try to paint it as a thing that has been overcome, but it’s a good balance. The first exhibit is this “slab wall” where you realize it could have been even worse. Apparently part of the wtc complex that made it such a big deal was that they had dug our huge amounts of the earth and reinforced it so that the river didn’t come in and crumble everything. They say if the wall had failed the river would have swept through the subway and maybe under the whole city…. I dunno scary.

Another early part is that they show you this staircase that was the exit to one of the streets and later you find out more,  but basically people used it in the nick of time and got out alive before the whole building fell. And you can see the damaged steps. 

In general the museum kind of shares the aftermath a little, and then you go into the story of the day… minute by minute at times. The first tower, the confusion, the second tower, the alarm going up, the pentagon(which you never heard much about), and the 4th plane that went down in the field. You hear about the emergency responders and the efforts they made to get people out. You hear voice recordings from the passengers on the planes, the people in the buildings, and of all the people calling folks knowing they were either on a plane or in the building and the increased concern throughout the day. 

The pentagon section was really eye opening because you never really heard about it. But you hear from people who were there and just how bewildering it was, and torturous. I dunno. In some ways I didn’t have as much empathy for them, but at the same time hearing them talk about how scared, confused, in shock they were made it more real than the conspiracies. 

The 4th plane folks, they basically have not only transcripts from inside the cockpit but also tons of voice calls the passengers made. It’s just sad. 

The part that killed me was the piece about people losing hope and jumping. There are tons of pictures and videos, and it’s just horrifying. I know some of those people did what they felt was the empowering thing to do. But so many just couldn’t stand the heat and the smoke. And they must have been soooo terrified. I just started bawling at that point. A lady rubbed my arm, as I walked away. It was totally unbearable… like I’m still so upset. 

And people on the ground talked about it that way too. Like they couldn’t look away even though it was devastating to watch because they felt like they had to honor them. 

There are a bunch of parts about the firefighters and police and stuff. And you know they  are playing it in their recordings,  but at the same time you can tell they’re falling apart because all of their friends are dying around them. It was hard to hear in the crowd with all the audios and what not… but apparently all the emergency personnel were wearing these audio things that set off an alarm if they don’t move for 30 seconds. And they talked about how after the buildings fell suddenly hundreds of these alarms went off all at once and it was just awful for everyone because not only was the ash and smoke and heat everywhere but there was these alarms and all the emergency people knew what it meant. Hundreds of them. 

The dispatch people too… they just sounded so like wtf??? Knowing they were sending th largest amount of first responders ever into this burning building (like every body for miles). 

And then also they had to evacuate the whole south part of the island, which is exactly what I’d been walking around. 

I dunno it was crazy. 

Anyway… the museum ends on this sort of - we were all there for each other and ready to get the bad guys thing. And it’s kind of a horrible realization.. because the whole world really was on our side. We could have done incredible things… and we squandered it for wars.

After that I decided to walk back… which was too much, but I wanted to walk the Brooklyn bridge once at least and I figured the next few days I’d probably be going further north. So I did that after taking a few pictures of other things. I got back and was totally dead. 

I took it easier this morning… woke up slowly. Then spent an hour on the subway heading to the top of manhattan for the Cloisters which is a bizarre little mishmash of Europe (and some random stuff from the americas). It’s beautiful and also weird. I walked along the park and read about some of the battles in the revolutionary war that took place near by. Then made my way to Central Park via subway. Basically skipper like 85 blocks or something including the rest of Washington heights and Harlem… so. I walked through the north end of the park and made it to the museum of the city of NY. Which was ok. Fairly simply, a little propaganda but basically telling the story of the city.  One of my fav exhibits was a video that showed where the historic sites are today - and was stands there now - and like I had already realized, so much of it is just built over. No marker or nothing. But I had been to a bunch of the spots - so that felt cool. 

After that I got lunch and continued south along 5th Ave… eventually made my way to the Met which was gigantic and way too much and I was discombobulated and tired by that point. I forgot I was partially going to the met to see the Dali paintings, but I saw a bunch of others that are famous and when you see a famous painting in real life you go “oh, yeah that’s what it looks like.” Washington crossing the deleware, Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso, they look exactly like you’d think. 

The museum was like 10x version of the Brooklyn one and they must have had some of the same contributors, it reminded me of the louvre. They had a fucking Egyptian temple, they had what appeared to be all the components of a cathedral but spread out and on display, they had tons of gold from the muisca, and masks from Benin and Songhai and all sorts of stuff. I basically skipped the Asian section, I wanted to skip some of the Europe but see all those famous people above. It was so much that you don’t stop to look except at the thing that really really catches your eye.  

When I got done there, I was still exhausted.. but I walked down through Central Park and took some pictures. Then got on the subway back. Grabbed some pizza and now I’m doing laundry and hopin g to go to bed early. 

Tomorrow MOMA, a broadway show (I might have been ripped off), a bunch of tourist spots… I’m hoping to wake up early to have enough time to enjoy things. I think the museum opens at like 9:30? I should double check. If I could get there as it opens, I’d feel really good about my day. 

Day 2

 What I wrote to a friend:

So my friends place is in Gowanus neighborhood, which is kind of a gentrifying area, surrounded by super diverse commercial streets, like central Ave times 10. So I walked a few streets after getting a bagel breakfast sandwich and made my way to prospect park, which is a gigantic park (brooklyns Central Park) and checked out the trails. It’s got large fields, picnic areas, some historic spots, a forest, next to some botanical gardens and I think a zoo? I dunno it’s massive. I think I walked about half way through in an hour and a half, then went to the Brooklyn museum. Saw some ancient Egyptian, Assyrian, and east and south Asian artifacts/art/religious stuff, and a bunch of other art.  The Tibetan shrine, and the Egyptian papyrus copies of the book of the dead were both pretty awe inspiring. Also just some of these things are like 3000 to 5000 years old. One of the most interesting long time exhibits they have is called the dinner party, by Judy Chicago. It’s a large piece in which she honors women throughout history with dinner plate designed with “vulvar” themes and intricately designed runner place mats. Even though it sounds kind of ridiculous, it was actually really moving. There were a number of really beautiful artworks. 

Ate a chicken gyro from a truck at lunch, then walked zig zagging through streets that looked interesting up to Williamsburg. Along the way walked through one of the large Hasidic neighborhoods which is a trip.  Williamsburg is like a newish hipster spot, with some cool shops and art and what not. Went down to the east river and chilled for a bit staring at manhattan. Then walked to an area they call Dumbo, briefly stopping at an outdoor dance party - which if it wasn’t so fucking not - and maybe I had some drugs , I would have stayed all night.  At dumbo, I also chilled for a bit by the river, saw some art, some stores, people watched. Then walked back through the downtown area to my friends place - getting some teriyaki chicken on the way.

I’m sure there is more but I’m beat. I think I walked like 15-20 miles today in the heat. I’m worried I’m chafing in all the wrong places, and probably sun burned. 

Tomorrow Manhattan - probably for the next few days. One of the cats came out to play. The other is still missing. Talked to my mom and a few friends. I dunno. Still lonely, but also not. If the skin needs to heal. I can hobble around a museum or sit for a play, or go on a cruise around the harbor. 

Saw some people on jet skis it did not look fun. It looked like panic with the size of the waves. 

Helloooooo Brooklyn!

 And also hello from Brooklyn. I landed in queens I guess, but other than being at an airport and on a train I have been in Brooklyn. 

I am at my friends apartment “cat sitting” except the cats are hiding so I have barely seen them. Picked up two piles of cat puke though… and fed them. So I guess I’m doing my job. 

The apartment is in a cute neighborhood that is just adjacent to some more interesting ones… meaning theirs has some higher end restaurants and a Whole Foods, while the streets nearby are filled with all sorts of stores and restaurants. So much so that it is enthralling for hour, somewhat sensory overwhelm but in a magical way that makes you feel alive. My mom said that about New York this morning when I was not feeling very alive at 5 am, that this is a city that is exciting and feels alive all the time. So far I have found that to be true, at least of Brooklyn. 

I got off the train a bit further than my friend recommended so that I could walk around a bit. Walked a mile or two to get to the place, the keys didn’t seem to work so I called her and she said “push.” So far that’s been the only crisis. The other being I bought an Omni card or whatever for the subway then later realized you can just use a normal credit card. 

In my miles of walking in the 90 degree heat and sun (early afternoon) I was literally dripping when I got in. But as soon as I got in, I wanted to leave again. It’s a cute apartment; they have sooo much stuff, and it doesn’t in any way meet the stereotype of being small, but it was the streets that called to me. I walked Atlantic and 4th to get here, I walked part of 3rd, 4th, and 5th just to explore before cutting east. Found myself on smith heading north towards downtown Brooklyn. All of these streets/avenues are commercial and just overflowing with life. Tons of people on the street, block parties, parks full, plus just people hanging out. 

In the downtown area I checked out the outsides of some of the civic and state buildings while strolling through the parks. Little kids playing soccer. Bikers. Skaters. Folks out for a stroll. Tons of couples, tons of families. 

And a raising canes if I can’t find food in the millions of other spots. I’ll admit I went to Whole Foods to get carrots and sunscreen, but even the Whole Foods felt like a market, not the sanitary suburban place on the border of slp. It was crowded and noisy and people were bustling. I didn’t go into any bodegas but did stop at a pharmacy and a smaller grocer later in the day. The bodegas are funny because they look like corner stores, but they have a whole menu of pictures plastered on the windows or walls outside. I saw food from Mexico, Ecuador, Colombia, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, Palestine, Israel, Ethiopia, Italy, France, Germany, Britain, Ireland, Poland, Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Indian, Korean, Japanese, and probably more that I’m forgetting. And half the places seem to sell food from multiple backgrounds, like all the kebab/gyro trucks also had a taco menu and vice versa.  Like it truly is a wonderfully diverse place. People from everywhere speaking all sorts of languages and inviting mike to guess… is that Haitian French or west African French? Is that Mexican Spanish or Cuban Spanish?  

There are chains, I did see a McDonald’s and burger kind, chick fil a, Popeyes, Dave’s hot chicken and canes, but there are many more local small businesses than the chains. It’s like a little out of place almost when you see the dominos or the Starbucks. The target and Dave and busters apparently are near the mall.

Beyond the restaurants there are also food trucks, and vendors with permits and not so much. Everything is on top of one another, not neatly placed, not spaced out. I kind of love that the gym and the call center and the storage locker and the literal warehouse are all next to each other. That may be one of the things that most takes me to other places… in MN, warehouses have their own land… here, you walk by and they are moving pallets, or stacking packages right next door to a commercial business. It reminds me of Latin America that way. 

But like, there was a toy store that had all the toys and action figures out and posed in the store front. Not in packages… but like posed (like how things used to be… you know?)  there were multiple magic stores that I came across, yes book stores and trinkets and all sorts of stuff but multiple magic stores for magicians?!?!? I mean… how amazing. 

It was 90 degrees today and so many people were outside… they still are out on the town. Block after block, in the parks, on the piers, under the bridges. It’s incredible. I walked through a couple of blocks that I was pretty sure were subsidized housing, and people were just out in the parks and courtyards having parties. Along the piers there are places where people grill and picnic. So many families celebrating because it’s summer and it’s Saturday. In mn? Na. We might go to a patio brewery or go on the lake, or maybe go for a bike ride… but here everyone is out. 

And everyone looks good. It’s not the Boston shallow, it’s like people look good, healthy, wear clothes that fit. I dunno. Makes me self conscious as I sweat through my t shirt, and my belly bulges… but I was walking around for at least 5-6 hours. And loved it almost the whole time (had to get some drinks/snacks to keep up the energy). 

Tomorrow I’m hoping to explore prospect park, the Brooklyn museum, get a bagel, maybe go to Williamsburg, or another neighborhood (all these neighborhoods used to be villages/cities in themselves). 

I looked at a map of the area I walked today and it was like 1/8 of Brooklyn… it felt like a lot. 

Wish I had a romantic partner to do this with. 

In terms of cities, I spent a lot of time trying to compare… the closest I’ve gotten is Buenos  Aires… huge, multicultural, lively, vibrant and exciting. A mix of old and new. Parks and buildings and art, good transportation. Great food. 

In vastness, the tall building remind me of São Paulo or Lima, both of which are also very multicultural. I’d say smell wise, maybe some of the cities in India. It’s pretty funky at least once a block, but it just feels like part of it…  I dunno. A little like London, except instead of hustle and bustle dreary, it’s hustle and bustle lively.  But not really other parts of Europe. 

There are hills in Brooklyn, but when I first got in from the airport, it seemed the whole area was totally flat. I think the height of the trains (some of them look down on the neighborhoods) makes it seem more flat than maybe it is.

I also think the visuals really mess with your head distance wise. I feel like I walk a mile and the map shows me an inch. 

Anyway… getting tired (two nights in a row with only 4-5 hours). Hopefully the Chinese food I had for dinner doesn’t make me sick. 

More Brooklyn tomorrow. I think Monday-Wednesday I run around manhattan, museums, parks, maybe see a show, I dunno. Probably Thursday just playing catch up to whatever I didn’t see… perhaps a trip on the water. I am not sure if I want to be out and about at night. I think maybe when I get to know the place a bit better. But also just tired. 

No plans for queens or the Bronx or Staten Island unless I randomly stumble into them… it’s just a lot in 6 days as it is.  And given how long the train takes, and needing to be at the airport two hours early, I think Friday will also be an early morning leaving. 

Ok… I am brain dead. Brooklyns great. At one point I felt really sad that I’ve never been out here before. I could make it a thing to come once every few years easily. 

Adding this on after::: my mom asked for a highlight. I ended with saying this feels like the best of the US. She agreed. 

 

pbbbbttuesday

Yesterday was a weird day at work. Some folks just struggling with things that were really dysregulating for them, but also their defense mechanisms kicking in -in ways that weren't healthy, and they were not entirely aware of it either... I found it a little offputting holding space for it because it reminded me of me.

In one case in particular, reminded me of me trying to a good guy and ending up being a bad guy, because I wasn't honest with myself or the other person. It was yucky. I was thinking about that as I went home. It felt like it was crawling in my skin. I did some deep breathing and some twisting and some stuff I saw online about releasing cortisol... I felt better. 

I had nothing to do last night so I stayed up late playing computer games and scrolling. 

Something I read reminded me of M's kids, and how they would be like 14 and 11 now... and I felt sad. I don't know what happened to that family, but for a year I imagined I would become those kids stepdad... and so the idea that they exist somewhere out there still means something to me. What are they experiencing as they enter these ages? What is their relationship like with their mom?  What of the anxiety they were experiencing... are they ok? It made me wonder if M is still with the guy she started falling for when we broke up... (I attempted a brief internet stalking and didn't find anything)I know they lived together for a few years... was she correct when she said she wasn't marriage material? Did she make him increasingly insecure until he started acting out (like me and her previous two husbands? and her other affairs?) I know... now that I admit it to myself, doesn't sound great does it. At some point she confessed to me, "I wasn't just with that one guy, I was with another.." (and maybe a third...) it made me so insecure and suspect of all of the men in her life.  She always denied things -and I felt it... the guy she ended up with after me was someone I asked her about numerous times and eventually told her "he likes you, I don't know if you are with him, but it seems from your energy that you're falling in love with him." She denied it.

Anyway... old wounds, and yuckiness. 

This week is pretty light until Thursday's 6 appointments. 3 more appointments today, only 2 tomorrow. . 4 friday. I need to give myself a haircut.  Maybe go to the open mic?  Therapy tomorrow morning... they are cleaning our garage so we have to have cars out. I just got coffee down stairs but haven't used the amenities in weeks. 

Just got keys from JS for New York. It's exciting, looking at local stuff to do in the neighborhood, the local metro stop (I am flying into JFK I should probably figure out how to get to her apartment). I dunno... exciting. Probably spending most of my time in Brooklyn and Manhattan. I think it would be too much to go out further on Long Island... I have a list of things to think about. Nervous about the weather mostly, but just plan to walk and sit, walk and sit, see a museum or a park, walk and sit. I don't think I'll cook, but probably a bag of carrots to snack on while I walk. 

Will I talk to anyone all week? I dunno. When I get back I have a few days to recover. A massage scheduled for Sunday -then a very busy next couple of weeks with work  (25-26 sessions + if no one cancels)-which takes us to the end of August... I am thinking I need to join a dating site or something in September if I haven't met anyone. 

Haven't talked to my Dad in over a month. Haven't talked to E in longer. Life is feeling a little isolating. Still saying my prayers for folks daily... my little daily christian meditation book is gonna run out soon (or I will make it through a year) I was thinking I need an eastern one. Todays was just about how life requires both solitude and connection to feel balanced... well I have had all the solitude. I don't want to feel needy, I don't want to be yucky in relationships. I want to feel like I am investing and invested in. I don't know what that looks like but I want to try it.   It sucks lately that I am not feeling drawn or attracted to anyone. I've had clients who are late in life, or have had their sex drive diminished and they talk about how without attraction to others its really complicated to make new relationships... there is no spark or excitement.   Thats how its felt lately.   The magical thinking part of me keeps telling myself its because I am waiting for the one... but I know thats silly. Another magical thinking part tells me its because I am going to die soon, so its better for everyone that I am not connected. The state of the world has me down and I don't really see a way out. 

I saw something recently that was like -to balance the planet we can either kill half the population, or give up our militaries... and the billionaires would rather kill half the planet. It won't be random like Thanos, it will be the poorest.  A new wave of economics and politics is inevitable under these conditions. What will that future look like? 

I told my friend the other day, we should probably be getting back towards communal means, soup kitchens, working farms together... but I can't eat communal soup, so I'll probably die. 

South East Asia might be uninhabitable by the time I am ready for 6 months or a year abroad. 

Loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry, the weight of the world in your muscles and bones... let go let go let go.

Beginning of August

 I always forget how hard it is to feel intellectually productive in the summer. Something about the heat -zaps me of thought, and motivation to put that thought to paper. 

I came home from the open mic the other day feeling inspired, but then felt like nothing I had to say mattered. I came home focusing on the things that are personal... or the things that are about the society at larger... and wondered if my voice matters, if I have anything unique to share or if I am really just adding to the noise. I concluded I was adding to the noise and should let others take up the space. I can just be a body. I think that has been a theme lately. I am a body at protests. I am a body and a wallet at benefits. I am a body contributing to the world, passing information on... but maybe my spirit and individual personality feel a little distant. I write this blog, to me... not really for anyone else you know. I haven't changed much in all these years. 

Today I woke up and had breakfast with a friend at french meadow. She kept telling me things I told her in the past and I thought it was funny that my mind doesn't work that way at all. We talked about the world ending, and our personal journeys with trauma, and talked about travel, and new ventures. 

I told myself on the way there that I shouldn't be so cynical and depressing. I've spent the last few days wondering what my role is in the end of the world. * Europe is experiencing tons of fires, heat waves about 100 degrees. They say all of southern Europe will become uninhabitable, meanwhile 50k refugees ran over the border into Ceuta (Spanish territory) to have entry into Europe. Meanwhile there is forest fire burning up a major city in Washington State. Meanwhile Haitians on TPS will soon be rounded up, causing huge chunks of the state of Ohio to suddenly have no workers... kind of like what happened in Nebraska. Meanwhile the actuarial tables around climate change say half the population could die within the next 30 years. Meanwhile AI is starting to commit crimes. Meanwhile sitting congress people are allowing the president to get away with robbing the country blind. Meanwhile a man was killed in Madison for raising a water bottle that police say looked like a gun. Meanwhile they are cutting medicaid, medicare and social security. Meanwhile premiums on health insurance have gone up because they are taking away the subsidies. Meanwhile the mayors of Minneapolis and St. Paul are allowing homeless encampment sweeps without relocating the people or providing shelters. Meanwhile there is still a genocide in Gaza, raids into the West Bank and Lebanon. Meanwhile the Straight of Hormuz is still shut down (which could be helpful for the climate issues), and the Red Sea is also being shut down. Meanwhile... 

The death cult. The changing into the next economic system... "socialism or barbarism, the people or elon musk..."  Speaking of Carsie Blanton I saw her last night at the Cedar and she looks the same in person. Its always funny how celebrities look like themselves... like people. It was a benefit concert for the 15, a mix of folk and punk and other stuff. I loved the music, kind of hated being amongst the crowded room. People kept backing into me because they were dancing and I felt bad for all the times I've taken up too much space. They encouraged talking to one another, and I felt like I had no desire to talk to anyone. Thats kind of been the story of the weekend... stranger danger. I went to a protest today and they also encouraged getting to know the people around you, and I was like... I'm alright. I probably looked like the FBI agent everyone was worried about. 

I had hopes that this weekend would be productive in some way. But it was high 80s, and I was functional... but spent a lot of time in bed and doom scrolling. No creative writing, though I had ideas. No reading... just been hard lately. No art.  I saw one friend, and attended some events, and got groceries and did laundry. Life is slow. 

I had thought that the thing I would be writing about is the feeling of being amongst a crowd and not being interested... I feel that so much lately. No attraction to peeps in a way where I want to connect. Like I am a little put off by peeps, rather than excited to see them. (Not people I know... though maybe?)  I just mean crowds, strangers, etc.  I think of how weird I feel, how awkward, how it doesn't feel good to make small talk and say hi to someone next to me, knowing it won't matter. I wonder how long I've been feeling this way... what is wrong with me. Maybe I need some ecstasy -not for social anxiety, but for social desire.  I am a curmudgeon again? I was feeling self conscious of my appearance throughout the concert. Everyone was wearing t shirts, punk stuff... meanwhile its me in my work uniform. Felt like I didn't have a freak flag, like I didn't fit in at shows anymore. I was once a more colorful person.... but I also don't want to keep up with appearances. I might give myself a hair cut this week before the trip... 

I am going to New York next saturday. My mom volunteered to come pick me up (5 am?)... I told her I had planned to take the light rail. So used to being self sufficient I guess. This week... open mic? Therapy. No social stuff planned. New York will be a week alone. I keep thinking... should I try to meet people? I dunno. 

I don't really know what I am doing I guess is the long and short of this. I feel like if I was in a relationship or had a family this behavior and doing relatively nothing would be acceptable... but I am single. The dishes are drying in the dry rack. The fridge is stocked for the week. The clothes are hung up. There is some mess, but nothing a few minutes wouldn't fix. No major bills. Nothing that can't be solved... There is half the weekend at least with literally nothing to show. I could have made more effort but I didn't want to. My life is kind of unmotivating and despite being so serious, its rather dismal. 

I can count my blessings. I have so little need... I have so much privilege. I have so much going for me... but ultimately that's not enough. I feel disconnected. 

I used to invite people over... I used to make people food... I used to organize activities, events, etc. I used to have people to talk to till 4 am.  All that being said, I also used to feel anxious, like I wasn't enough and was doing it wrong, still felt like an alien amongst a crowd, still ran away for days, months to have time alone. I wandered the world alone. I wandered the world meeting people. I am not sure whats next. But this isn't it. I guess that was my conclusion this weekend. This isn't enough. 

Dreams

 Just had a dream that E was pregnant. It was odd, like multiple hints about it in the dream, and then at the end like a “wait what?” 

But we seemed to be partners.  So I dunno. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to sleep. But it sure feels nice to dream. 

Sometimes pregnancy in a dream just means a new idea or a change. Maybe it’s not for her? Maybe for me? 

After laying in bed another 20 minutes my mind drifted back to anger and drama with family.  I feel kind of crazy for wanting something I can’t have, and not knowing a better way. I feel like a brat, asking for things that would make me feel safe, like I could trust and respect them. I feel a great desire to be independent while also being lonely.   It’s crazy making. I know I am not entirely in the right, but it would be easier to remove myself (like leave the country) than to deal with it/ when I’ve already tried and it didn’t change anything. Maybe I need reinforcements, but the way the family is right now, my sister is fully dependent on my parents for daycare and likely money… any younger brother works with my dad every day, my older brother has fought these battles to stalemate half a dozen times and shared that nothing changed- he just didn’t want to keep the grandkids from them.

*Later in the day*

It is mid afternoon. I did two sessions then had my own therapy, then recovered and did another session with a client. 

In my therapy I basically regressed to a baby and hated every second of it. Felt helpless and scared. Felt like I didn’t have control over my body. Dissociated on and off. Kept going in and out of feeling like I had access to my brain.  Basically did brainspotting without trying. I cried, I shook, I stammered and bit at my fingers and thumbs.  I wanted to tear paper but found myself just folding it over and over. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my family stuff that we had been talking about, but I know it was the earliest body feelings that didn’t feel right. 

I imagined, though I didn’t want to say anything, that I was experiencing being a baby with a stomach ache that can’t be soothed or expressed. Or a baby getting a diaper changed by someone who I don’t trust fully. Maybe they are in a bad mood. There isn’t warmth or comfort, it’s feeling jerked around and out of control. 

And in the present with my therapist watching me freeze and cry and dissociate all I can think about is how embarrassing, I’m so nervous and shaky and I don’t want to be seen. I feel helpless and I want to respond to her, but I don’t have words, but I want to agree to the thing she is saying, but I also don’t want to. I am afraid. I know what is good for me, I know that she wants good for me, but I also don’t trust anything in that moment. Part of my desire to say yes is a fawn response, I’ll say yes if it pleases you. And I know that… but I also don’t want to feel alone and stuck in this feeling.

I want to push her away, I want to hide, I want to be anywhere other than where I am. 

There are multiple stories I’ve been told about my early childhood, but I forget them. I don’t have conscious memories. I have weird confusing dreams. For instance I know  I was abused by a baby sitter Or by their child - which was the story my parents didn’t believe. I was a baby with multiple bruises on my head and face… my mom was horrified. 

My dad tells this story about driving to mn with me as a baby in the middle of a blizzard. I could imagine he was anxious and upset. 

I can also just imagine both of my parents being tired and irritable and wanting to keep up with work, and being impatient with me. 

But in the session I didn’t know any of this, I didn’t have access to words or thoughts, and being watched in this state I only know helplessness, fear, and shame - a desire to be or do or say anything else other than sit with this feeling. 

And then on some level, I also know what comes out of that desire to hide. A desire to please, to keep people happy, to stay safe and avoid conflict even at the cost of my own feelings. Resentment, anger, controlling behavior. A desire to not allow others to harm me. Hyper independence. 

When I was with M, she would repeatedly go to these places where she was dissociative and not able to express herself. Part of me felt like she was lying to me and didn’t know what to say, but other times it seemed so genuine that she was just off, alone and that any support or comfort I gave wasn’t actually felt. Like she wasn’t capable of r receiving it. I am sure the end of our relationship was problematic for that. She just told me that she had disconnected when she felt like I’d left her, and I tried to reassure her I was right in front of her and she didn’t need to believe that story, but it was already resolved and suddenly I couldn’t cope with that. To be rejected and abandoned abruptly, to feel lied to and manipulated, to feel discarded so easily… and I became possessive and controlling and resentful. 

I can imagine her feeling like how I did to my therapist, like “I need you to not be present” I can’t feel safe right now.

I was able to acknowledge parts of that with my therapist. “Im nervous” “im worried you’re judging me” “I feel like I want to say no, but I also know it would be helpful,” “I literally want to push you away right now.”

And she was able to accept that.

With M I don’t think I was able to really accept that. I could say, “that makes sense” but I had my own need to be accepted. 

A week ago I was thinking about how I keep seeing repeated patterns, keep seeing the same people, different face, same energy, same person, g-d in drag… you know?

Today I feel like I was meant to run into these people. Feel like I’m meant to work through this struggle right now. To learn to be present for my baby self or my younger self… and stop self abandoning, and also be more able and present for others. More trusting because I can trust my own abilities to be there for me when it’s hard. 

I didn’t realize it… I was avoiding it. 

More journaling this week

 There will probably be more because I am trying to stay off social media and I don’t know what to do with myself. Just spent the last hour fucking around with watercolors. 

I don’t have much to say. Last night I had a nightmare in which my partner and I got into a fight with my step sister, and I became physical, kind of forced her to the ground, then turned her into an ant and stomped on her. 

I spent the next hour in the dream fearing that what I thought I had done was real, and also fearing that it wasn’t real and she was out to get me. I walked the streets at night, i looked in her windows to see if she was there. I half lied to my partner to try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t ever sure if I was a murderer or just some sort of fake… and I was so scared the whole time… I was angry and acted out, and then spent my life in hiding. 

It sounds familiar. 

It was an awful fucking nightmare. 

I had this idea the other day, what if I didn’t change who I was around other people… what if I was just always myself.  Around family, friends, work… what if I didn’t present myself but just was myself. Some part of that must have scared me. 

I still don’t know what to do about my family. Some part of me is also mad at them for seeming not to care. My step sister was mad at me for not showing up for her… not because she was worried about me. I guess that’s the relationship we have then eh?  

I’ve been wondering if I want to share any of this with my therapist. If I want to be more open about scary things.

I dunno if I trust her. 

Today my ankle hurt for no reason. I hope it wasn’t because of the massage yesterday. It just seems less steady, as if I had just twisted it. Each first step feels unsteady, makes me feel worried about New York. 

Today I missed E. For someone reason I specially missed the walks we’ve been on- even in the time we were friends. I haven’t reached out, because I felt like she was pulling back. But I miss her. 

Not sure what is store.  Tomorrow consult at night. Thursday open mic. Sunday brunch with a friend. 

Should probably do something else too… but it’s like 95 degrees out and kind of gross. Maybe I should be utilizing the pool that I pay for??? 

Clearly I have run out of things to say.